Scripts are ten-a-penny in Hollywood but this one intrigued me because it’s about Britney and her Australian tour. This is from a scene, clearly torn from the main script. The working title is, apparently, ‘BRITNEY: INSIDE AN ARTIFICIAL STORM’. It’s not in traditional script format but see what you think….
INT — DAY — NEWSROOM — WESTERN AUSTRALIA
A mundane newsroom somewhere in WA. Typewriters sit on desks. A news editor nicknamed ED and a journalist called HACK are seated, pondering how best to cover Britney’s ‘Circus’ tour of Australia
ED
How the HELL are we going to make this Britney tour sound fresh after 8 months on the bloody road? We need a line…
HACK
Tell me about it. We got the arse end of the tour. Worst still, she’s even behaving herself. WTF?!
ED and HACK tap pens on their desks, seeking inspiration. A clock ticks on the wall. HACK watches You Tube footage from the US-leg of ‘Circus’, watching close-ups of Britney. Then:
HACK
Oh…My…God.
ED
What? What is it?
HACK
She’s…she’s lip-syncing!!!!
ED (scrambling from chair)
She’s SINKING?!!
HACK
LIP-syncing. Britney’s lip-syncing!
ED
Whattt?? You mean, she’s a…FRAUD?
HACK
Hell yeah…I think we’re onto something here.
ED
How the hell did the rest of the world miss this!! You sure this is new?
HACK
Certain. Checked cuttings.
ED
Well, start bloody writing it, then get your arse to the concert.
THREE HOURS LATER
HACK has just witnessed Britney in concert. In the background, as he dials, the sound of ‘Piece of Me’ echoes from inside the arena.
EXT – PHONE BOOTH – CONCERT ARENA – EVENING
HACK (holding receiver, breathless)
BOSS, you aren’t gonna believe this — fifteen people walked out of the concert, midway through!
INT – NEWSROOM – EVENING
ED (jumping up, holding receiver)
Fifteen!! Holy Koala. I think I’m going to wet my pants with excitement
HACK (his voice heard over phone)
My one concern is that 18,000 others stayed…
ED
Don’t be so bloody ridiculous, Hack.
HACK
I was just…
ED
First rule of journalism – don’t let facts stand in the way of a good story
ED starts sketching out the front page with the headline: ‘BRITNEY LIP SYNCS…AND FANS STORM OUT’, as he continues the phone-call.
HACK
Just wanted to give you the full context coz….
ED
Look…watch my lips…
EXT – PHONE BOOTH – EVENING
HACK
Boss? (beat) I can’t watch your lips….I’m on the phone
INT – NEWSROOM – EVENING
ED (mouthing his words)
Just. File. The. Copy. Smart-arse. Fifteen minutes.
HACK
Don’t worry, I’ve got three people to slam Britney
ED
Good stuff. After you’ve filed, phone that rent-a-quote fair trades minister –
Get her to wade in. Nothing like a government minister to give it some credibility.
HACK
You got it, boss.
ED
This is first-rate journalism mate. I want more. You got any exclusives for next week yet?
HACK
You bet. One of my sources went to a magic show last night and witnessed a woman sawn in half. But guess what?
ED
What? WHAT?
HACK
She…Wasn’t…Sawn…In…Half — It’s a trick of the trade!!!!!
ED
You’re KIDDING?! Shit me – you’re on fire this week mate.
HACK (punches air)
It’s Britney, bitch!
ED
What did you say?
HACK
Nothing boss, you wouldn’t understand
Lmao!!!
Hi Steve. Didn’t you once say that you’d heard that after the Circus tour ended that Britney was going to take a lot of time off? Now she’s going back into the recording studio to make her 7th cd.
What happened to her break time? She’s to start recording in January. Six weeks off is hardly what I’d call a break. Especially for Britney.
IN REPLY TO CICI: I’m a puzzled as you are. It makes no sense to return her to the golden hamster wheel.
One day, someone is going to have to realise – and have the courage – to stand her down and give her time out.